3763 - Saturday jokes

I was wondering what to post for today. After about a minute my brain turned back on and said, "IT'S SATURDAY! THE REAL SATURDAY."



A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop", goes the weasel.


After gaining 10 pounds within a month, I started Crossfit.
I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit.


A dyslexic man tried to rob a bank.
He walked in, pulled out a gun, and yelled, "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"
He then gave his wallet to the teller and left.


A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back.
A guy on the other side of the street yells at him, "Hey, what the hell are you doing!?"
The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"
"As what?" asks the guy.
"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"
"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"
"Oh, that's just Michelle."


Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
If they had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.


You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.


6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.


I bought a wooden whistle.
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.


A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says, "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says, "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off. Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says, "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-shit k-kicked out of me?"


A tennis ball walks into a restaurant.
A waiter asks: "Have you been served?"
The tennis ball replies, "Not sure. I'm a bit fuzzy."


My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.
We didn't see eye to eye and I found out she was seeing someone on the side.