3770 - Saturday jokes

Why do protesters refuse to brush their teeth?
Because plaque lives matter.


Man: "Doc, you gotta help me. I sing spontaneously, and uncontrollably."
Doctor: what do you mean?
Man: Well whenever I see a woman on the street I start singing "She's a lady". And any time I cross paths with a cat I'll sing "What's new pussy cat?".
Doctor : What you have is Tom Jones syndrome.
Man: So you've heard of this before?
Doctor: It's not unusual.


You know there's no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
(In the comment section: As a bin man (garbage man) I'm offended, it takes a certain level of training and skill to block a whole street and annoy everyone.)


At any given moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.
A whim away. A whim away.


I'm done buying trash bags.
I always just end up throwing them away anyways.


A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" So he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says, "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze". So he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says, "I'll be an artist". So he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a million dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says, "I've got a masters degree in art."


I once met a dyslexic stripper named Density.


A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thanks honey", she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"
"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.
"I'll see what I can do", the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.
3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.
"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"
"What gift?"
"The Italian girl!"
"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"


My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."


I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.
Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.


To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero...
Thanks for nothing.