3777 - Saturday jokes

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.
Break a condom and your bad luck will probably outlive you.


What's it called when you put a tic tac into a woman's butt?
Her-ass-mint.
(When she farts, it'll be a tic tac toot.)


Ten years ago I was in elementary school. I was uncircumcised and a kid noticed while in the bathroom. Later that day, a group of children wanted to see it for themselves, so I pulled it out and showed them. One of them said my pee pee was different and wanted to touch it. Thought "why not?" and they began pulling back my foreskin and touching the head. It felt so nice, I was in bliss. My pee pee began to get bigger and one of the girls started screaming. The Dean came in and quickly took everyone away and began to yell at me. Eventually parents were informed about the case.
That was the end of my teaching career.


There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.


How do you get a 1 armed blonde out of a tree? Wave.


How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They sat down in the lobby and started discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
( When I first read this joke I misread the first line as 'cheese enthusiasts'. It didn't make any sense at all.)


"You know that the grandfather clock fell over yesterday?", says a woman to her husband.
"If it had fallen only two minutes earlier, it would have fallen on my mother's head! Like really, she could have died!"
The man responds, "I always said that damn clock was slow".


German lorry driver sat in Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.
He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days.
Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters, 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'
The German man gives a sarcastic laugh and replies, 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'
Old fella replies, 'A Lancaster Bomber!'


Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
(In the old days they had to rely on Norse Code.)