3784 - Saturday jokes

Dear God,
If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America.


When ISIS is gone do we call them WASWAS?


Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.
She's going to be in the new Ex-Men film.


An Asian girl's last name was China.
It was her made-in name.


I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?


What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A seatbelt.


What's long, hard, bendable and contains the letters P, E, N, I, S?
Your spine.


LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.


I didn't think a chiropracticor could help me but I stand corrected.


A friend just returned from a visit to North Korea.
Hahahahaha. Just kidding. No he didn't.