3791 - Saturday jokes

What went wrong with trump's suicide attempt?
Fake noose.


Freddy the fungus and Alice the algae met one another and they took a lichen to each other.


Me: "When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way."

When I left after my donation at the sperm bank they said, "Thanks for coming."


Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day.
I rolled off the couch.


The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.
As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control pills?"
"Yes. They help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep."
The elderly woman reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."


How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it.


For sale: Dead canary. Not going cheap.


Two vegans bump into each other at a BBQ.
"We must stop meating like this."


What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?
A hooker says, "That's all."
A girlfriend says, "Is that all?"
A wife says, "Blue. I think I'll paint the ceiling blue."


Daughter: Mom, I got a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about...


While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.


I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.
But when I came back home, they were still there.