3798 Saturday jokes

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue.
While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap? Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?" "Oh, that?" replies the woman. "That's my husband. I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."


During today's press conference, someone asked the mayor of Houston about his opinion on Roe vs Wade.
He said, "Honestly, I don't care how people get back to their houses."


Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family.
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him, "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says, "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one that's going to be shocked!"


RIP to all the vampires...
who got fooled by the solar eclipse.


I just learned that boxing is about two guys fighting the urge to come out as gay.
I mean. Two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times who's entire job is to stop them from hugging.


I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.


A short history of Poland:
"And then it got worse."


An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room.
A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"
She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Englishman replies, "I'm sorry, but one of the other two babies is French, and I can't take that chance."


Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888.
When someone asks what it is, tell them it's 12345678.


My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.


My son Anakin loves that I named all of our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbecca, however, is less thrilled.