3805 - Saturday jokes

With all these natural disasters happening,
its almost as if the USA was built over thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.


Why did the Buddhist pull coins out of his ass?
Because change comes from within.


A person with a four year degree majoring in history walks into a bar.
They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.


A telecom engineer joins the army. On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecom guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here OK - the problem must be at your end!"


Why did Trump rush to Macy's?
He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half-off.


A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand!"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every dick should have two balls".


I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy".
I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!"


Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortise had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.


Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single girl gets home, looks what's in the fridge and goes straight to bed. A married girl gets home, looks what's in the bed, and goes straight to the fridge.


Why dogs are better than women.
    The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
    Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
    Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
    A dog's parents never visit.
    Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
    Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
    Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
    A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
    If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
    If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


Dating a stripper is like opening a bag of chips in church.
Everybody looks at you in disgust but deep down they all want some.


Never laugh at your wife's mistakes.
You're one of them.