3826 - Saturday jokes

I was arguing with a flat Earther.
We were arguing about how many members were in the flat Earth community.
He said, "We have members all around the globe".


I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.


Yo mama so ugly...
She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck.


Yo mama so fat...
When she falls out of bed she falls out on both sides.


Yo mama so fat...
When she sat on memory foam it forgot.


Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle.
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys.
Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about?
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are.
Guy 4: Well, my son is a Gay stripper.
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life.
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.


If you spend your day in a well.
Can you say that your day was well-spent?


My friend said to me, "I can't believe a dumb hole in the ground filled with water is working this good."
I know he means well.


A lot of homophobes turn out to be secretly gay.
I'm getting nervous thinking I might secretly be a giant spider.


I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool.
Scared me so much I almost fell in.
(This is a European joke.)


My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if she died.
“Which sister?”, was not the correct answer.


It must suck being raised by gay parents. Either you get stuck with double the dad jokes or get thrown into an infinite loop of "go ask your mother."