3840 - Saturday jokes

I'm going to make a made for TV movie and call it 'To Be Announced'. No one will ever see it.


Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.


I was going to be a trump supporter for Halloween.
But I couldn’t fit my head up my ass.


A boy comes home from school at 7pm. His dad says "where were you? "I was with Jessica." He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying." After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are great." Dad replies, "Wash your hands son; they're donuts."


A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, his owner beats him, and when he gets excited he throws up.


A woman was nervous about messing up during her wedding ceremony.
She spoke with the preacher who offered her assurance. "Just remember 3 things and you will be fine" he said. "Number 1, walk down the aisle. Number 2, stand in front of the alter. Number 3, step forward to me after the hymn." The preacher then assured her that he would guide her through the remaining ceremony step by step, and she would only need to remember those 3 things at the beginning. The woman was still nervous, and she kept repeating the steps over and over in her head. On the day of the wedding, the woman walked down the aisle just as planned and stood in front of the alter only a few feet from her groom. As the hymn was being sung, the groom could hear the faint whispers of his bride repeating over and over, "aisle, alter, hymn, aisle, alter, hymn, aisle, alter, hymn..."


Rap is like scissors.
It always loses to rock.


An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walked into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within the first two minutes.


A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter." "Excuse me?" says the husband. "That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor. "What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation." "That's not what I said," replies the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."


If a zoo had a half man half horse...
Do you think it would be the centaur of attention?