Saturday, October 28, 2017

3854 - Saturday jokes


I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won’t be leaving the house.


A man stumbles to his front steps late one night.
He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says, "Hey, me too."


What's worse than tennis elbow?
Golf balls.


What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is extremely heavy, and the other is a little lighter.


The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed.
The label says the expiration date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time.


I think my family must be racists. I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, and my wife wouldn't even talk to her.


A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock". The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.
Turns out my parents weren't even related.


The last four letters in “queue” are not silent.
They’re just waiting their turn.


The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


I quit my job working for Nike.
Just couldn’t do it anymore.


On Valentine's Day a restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend. It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'


Having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.


5 comments:

Bilbo said...

Dressing as the Republican health care bill ... now THAT's a horrifying costume.

Cloudia said...

ALL WINNERS TODAY! And Highway To Hell reminds me happily of all the money I made dancing to that song. . . . Back in the day you understand....

John A Hill said...

Great jokes today, Mike!

Linda Kay said...

Good job, Mike....love the secretary affair one!

allenwoodhaven said...

Terrific jokes! Thanks so much for the laughs.