3861 - Saturday jokes

How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!
I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!
Why the are they all carrying bags of candy?!


My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"...so I poked her in the eyes. (She didn't even see it coming.)


The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.


Why did the mermaid rush out of her math exam, red faced and embarrassed?
Because her algaebra didn't hold up.


I wasn't going to get a brain transplant...
But then I changed my mind


A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door".


It’s impossible to please women.
Even at your wedding, you're not the best man.


A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90".


She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man.
Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.


A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, she gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"


What a the difference between a sofa and a guitar player?
The sofa can support a family.


I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.


An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies.
He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited.
After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had.
Every single time, just before docking, the captain took out a small locket from his jacket pocket, look at it, and put it back.
In all his time with the captain he never asked what was in the locket.
After looking through the boxes of this clothes they fished out the jacket.
Finding the jacket, and locket within, the first mate, for the first time in his time knowing the captain, opens it.
All that's in the locket are 4 words: "Port= left. Starboard= right".


I hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me.
It's like, yeah yeah, I know! You have more money than me.


Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.
Tickets are non-refundable.