3868 - Saturday jokes

I was considering going on an all almond diet.
But that's just nuts.


Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”
Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying, ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”
Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”
Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”


My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils.
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.


Why did the wizard lose his job?
He got outsorced.


A guy told me he dated twins once and I asked him how he told them apart. He said it was easy. Carol painted her toenails and Carl had a dick.


I was arguing with a flat Earther.
We were arguing about how many members were in the flat Earth community.
He said, "We have members all around the globe".


I forgot to pay the bill for my exorcist.
I've been re-possessed.


Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have slowly been getting more perverse.
But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom.


A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, ‘you do God's work.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused pay, saying, ‘you protect the public.’
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, ‘you serve the justice system.’ The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.


If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.


Someone knocked on my door and asked if I had found Jesus.
I explained it wasn't my turn to watch him, and that they really should have used bigger nails.


Just found out that ‘Aaarrrrggghhh’ is not a real word.
I can’t even tell you how angry I am.


They should build the wall with Hillary's emails.
Because nobody can get over them.


I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me, he told me, "Your money or your life!".
I told him I was married. So, I have no money and no life.
We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.