3889 - Saturday jokes

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.


'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'


My boss keeps complaining about me calling him Dick even though it's short for Richard.
Something about his name being Steve.


I took my grandmother to a new spa where they have little fish eat away at your dead skin for only $40.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.


Burglars are like spiders.
If one gets in the house, my wife thinks I'm the one who has to kill it.


Put the punchline first.
How do you ruin a good joke?


A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.
Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as soon as possible.
"What's going on?" The husband asked, as he ran into the facility.
"Well sir, we found out that contact with your wife's privates elicits a response, and I feel that with the right stimulation she could be brought out of her coma."
"What do you suggest?" He asked with some excitement building.
"Well sir, I think some oral sex might be enough to get her back."
So the man agreed to it, and they left the room to give him some privacy with her, when not two minutes later, they here the monitor buzzing with a flat-line alert. The doctor runs in asking, "What happened?"
The man shrugged and replied, "I guess she must've choked."


Paddy worked at the Guinness factory for many years. One day he died while at work. They went to inform his wife who asked, "Was it quick, at least? I hope he didn't suffer." His coworker said, "No, he drown in the vat, and got out three times to pee before he went under for the last time."


My Irish uncle drowned in a barrel of whiskey the other night. I tried to save him but he bravely fought me off.
When we cremated him, he burned for three days.


When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
“Forgive me father for I have sinned, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, that's not a sin and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes TWICE on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long,long time ago and doing what you did, placed the two of you in great danger.Two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh, however, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. It's good to know that I haven't done anything unforgivable, I do have one more question though”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?"


I was in a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" "I know all the letters of the alphabet" I shouted back. Everyone laughed.........well except this one guy.