3917 - Saturday jokes

What are the 4 stages of life?
1) First you believe in Santa.
2) Then, you don't believe in Santa.
3) Then you act like Santa.
4) And then you look like Santa.


Today I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.
She said, "Screw you".
So I'm pretty excited about 2018.


Which president is the best at limbo?
trump, he keeps lowering that bar.


An idiot has a mirror in his closet.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops...
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can.
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"


A Cop Pulled me over,came up to window and said papers.
I said, "Scissors, I win" and drove off...
He must really need a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last 20 minutes.


First rule of Vegan club:
Tell everyone about Vegan club.


I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said, "Thank you".
I said, "Don't mention it".


We need to start giving hurricanes Arab names.
Nobody is going to leave for Irma but if Muhammad was coming the whole country would evacuate.


If a blind girl ever tells you that you have a big penis, she's probably just pulling your leg.


I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.
It's always been my Achilles elbow.


A blonde went to the electronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don"t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don"t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.
I couldn't help but think, wouldn't it work much better on the front.