3931 - Saturday jokes

I called my wife on the way home from work.
I said, "When I walk in the door, I want you to do something freaky to me".
She said, "Who is this?"


What do you call a horse that can read, write and tell jokes?
A stable genius.


A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump kin.


I've got good news and bad news...
The bad news is, I've got no good news.
But the good news is, I've got no bad news.


I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...
...not, "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'm calling the police!"


A guy goes to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken and meets a girl dressed as an egg.
The answer is the chicken.


Three women are getting dressed in the locker room of a country club when a man runs in naked with a bag over his head...
He waves his erection around and streaks out again.
"Well, that's certainly not MY husband!" the first woman huffs to the others.
"No. That's definitely not your husband," the second woman answers.
"He's not even a member of this club!" says the third woman.


Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.


Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.
Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?". God responds, "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."
The conspiracy theorist turns to his friend and says, "Damn, this goes even higher up than we thought."


That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...
added an e.


If my wieght is 100 pounds and I eat 1 pound of nachos, would I be 1% nachos?
No...The human body is primarily comprised of C (carbon), H (Hydrogen), Na (sodium), and O (oxygen).
So arguably, you're 100% NaCHO.


My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...
After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.


Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing.
Well, except Chris Brown.


A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they're walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"