3945 - Saturday jokes

Instead of, "who's your daddy" I accidentally said, "how's your daddy".
So we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.


A conversation with a genie.
Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.


Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?
Employee discounts.


Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?


What do you do with sick chemists?
If you can't helium or curium, you barium.


When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed.
My name... my address... my phone number.


What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?
One more.


A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-
A E I O U


Today I was asked out by about 30 women.
It was in the women's locker room, but that's still pretty impressive.


I don’t understand why people have threesomes.
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d just have lunch with my parents.


Why are dogs so bad at dancing?
Because they have 2 left feet.


I have started watching what I eat.
The food makes it into my mouth more often now.


A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
Looking back unimpressed at the man, she replied, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different! Send her in."


My friends and I started a band and called it 'Books' so no one can judge us by our covers.


The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.