3952 - Saturday jokes

I couldn't accept that I was both gay and dyslexic.
I was in Daniel.


I signed up for a gym membership this year.
So far I've managed to lose £200.


What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.


A question for the differnt branches of the service.
“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A sailor says, “I’d step on it”
A soldier says, “ I’d report it to my CO”
A marine says, “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”
An airman responds, “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s there a damn tent in my room”.


A member of the Soviet politburo is overheard expressing his frustration over the ongoing World War II: "All of this because of that tyrant with the stupid mustache! It's his goddamn fault!" He is immediately turned in by his comrade and taken to Stalin. "Who did you mean by 'tyrant with the stupid mustache'?" Stalin asks the man. "Hitler, of course", he replies.
"Fair enough", Stalin says and turns to face the informant. "Now, who did you mean by that?"


When I went to Yellowstone camping my wife got pregnant.
Three years later I went camping at Yellowstone and she got pregnant again.
Every time after that if I went to Yellowstone camping I took her with me.


A blond woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas".


People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell...
...and, looking at it now, I see why.


I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"
So I started smiling.


Old Macdonald...
...spelled "redirection" without any consonants.
(think about it)