3959 - Saturday jokes

Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?


Elon Musk: Did you move my car?
Team: Yeah.
Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked?
Team: Parking!?


An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated. "Our military is so advanced that our jets touch the sky when they fly", boasted the American. "REALLY, the SKY?", snapped the Frenchman. "Well maybe an inch below" the American conceded. Not to be outdone, the Frenchman says, "Our submarines are so advanced that they can dive to the deepest depth of the ocean and move along the floor". "I doubt that", says that American dismissively. "Well maybe an inch above", the Frenchman concedes. The Afghan suddenly exclaims, "In my country we have revolutionized how we eat. All of us can simply eat through our nose". "Impossible", the American and Frenchman exclaim in disbelief. "Well maybe an inch below", concedes the Afghan.


My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."
I opened the refrigerator, the light came on, the beer was cold, it seemed to be working just fine. Weird.


Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means the same thing.
Unless you're at a funeral.


I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...
No 'fence.
Nun taken.


I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:
"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that to pull you out."
So the chick ran off, got the SUV, tied a rope to the horse and pulled him out with ease.
A week later the horse and the chick were walking around the farm again when the chick fell into the quicksand.
"Hurry, go get the SUV!" the chick said to the horse.
"No need", said the horse as he straddled the quicksand. "Just grab hold of my dick and I'll pull you up!"
The chick grabbed hold of the dick and the horse pulled her right out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks.


The only thing flat earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.


I'm like a wild animal in bed.
More afraid of you than you are of me.


Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators.
From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.


I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight.
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow.
I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.