3987 - Saturday jokes

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?
Tip him for the pizza.


My girlfriend threatened to break up with me because of my obsession with the monkees.
At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face....
...now I'm a believer.


I made a website for orphans.
It doesn’t have a home page.


My wife hasn't talked to me for a week now.
She seems to think it's a punishment.


My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.
Well, joke’s on you, you little creep. I sleep in a real car.


I was reading a book about lubrication in the library.
I found it in the non-friction section.


4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Man, I hate Babies.


My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.


A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.
Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"
Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'"


What do you call a discount circumcision?
A rip off.


Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O too," says the second.
Bartender gives them both water bacause he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.


I often hear people having sex in the apartment next door, but my wife never believes me.
It always happens when she steps out for a minute.