4008 - Saturday jokes

Imagine the sex talk between The Donald and Stormie.
"Oh Donald! You’re so great, Donald! You’re so big, Donald! You’re the best, Donald!!"
Then Stormie asks, “What are you muttering about Donnie?”


A man had never had sex before. On his wedding night he entered the bedroom to find his wife completely naked. His wife asked, "Do you know what I want?", to which he replied "No."
The wife lay on bed then asked, "Now, Do you know what I want?", once again he said "No."
The wife now spread out on the bed and opened her legs wide, and asked her husband, "NOW, Do you know what I want?".
Finally man said, "YES!"
"You want to have the whole bed to yourself!"


My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."


I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said: "Best Before Date".
I thought, "No, it isn't."


On New Year's Eve, a wife stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bartender was almost crushed to death.


Two kids are bragging about how fast their dads are.
One kid says, “My dad is so fast he can throw a football up and run underneath it and catch it!”
The other kid, who’s dad is a state worker, says, “My dad is so fast he gets off work at 5, and is home at 4:30!”


The wife walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


I asked a girl in a bar if she wanted to go home with me.
She said, “Do you have cable?”
I said, “I think the ropes will be strong enough.”


How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.


An old man gets on a crowded bus. A police officer offers him his seat. The old man declines.
Last I heard he was in jail for resisting a rest.