4015 - Saturday jokes

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys." The redneck said, "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied, "You might want to get that chimney cleaned because they are all black."


White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


My mother used to tuck me in every night.
She always wanted a girl.


What did the Bra say to the Hat?
You go on ahead, I'll give these 2 a lift.


I went in for my physical, and my doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty".
I asked, "Like bacon and burgers?"
He said, "No, fatty, don't eat anything!"


I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom.
Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.


Be careful of fat guys, ladies.
They just want to get into your pantries.


Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french is holding his burning red cheek and looking around. The nun is thinking to herself "This scumbag probably tried to touch the blonde and she slapped him." The blonde is thinking "That scumbag was probably trying to touch me, touched the nun by accident and she slapped him." The french guy is thinking "I bet the brit was trying to touch one of them, they thought it was me and slapped me!" The brit is thinking "Next tunnel, I'm gonna slap him even harder."


I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning.
Within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.