4022 - Saturday jokes

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house.
I looked her dead in the eye and said, "The damn decepticons". (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decepticon)
She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.


How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the light bulb really dead?". That's what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.
“The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.


I hate when my wife drags me to a dance class.
She knew I was paraplegic when she married me.


My wife said she's leaving me because i'm too patronising.
I said "Ooh, 'patronising' that's a big word!"


COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
MINER: Mine.


What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.


Last night I was attacked by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.


Most people are shocked when they find out...
how incompetent I am as an electrician.


What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years?
A religion.


I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.
I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.