4036 - Saturday jokes

Where were the first gas cars invented?
In Africa, they Madagascar.


What do you call a movie with 3.14 stars?
Pirated


What does a nosy pepper do?
Get jalapeno business.


I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
Doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.


After a disappointing summer Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.


I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini".


With the rise of self driving vehicles, we'll soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.


What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.


Personally, I think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.
I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...


I tried to force feed my child.
After a while my wife said, “Just use a spoon Mike, you’re not a Jedi”.


I can only think of one word with three U's in it. That's unusual.
Comment - At the risk of being ultracautious he said lugubriously, my multicultural friends live humourful, luxurious lives, with a sprinkling of counterculture but it seems unthoughtful that I'm untrustful not to say unvirtuous in my unuseful life. Today has been unauspicious, unadventurous and unfruitful.