4050 - Saturday jokes

New York police helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road. Said the New york police, "Come out with you hands UP!"


The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen.
So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand  Trekked a lonely caravan.  Men on camels, two by two  Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,  Met three whores in a pop up tent.  They was three, and we was two,  So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.


God damned millennials!
Walking around like they rent the place.
(Comment - This hits a little too close to my parents house.)


Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.


Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once.
Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.


So many people think alcohol is the answer.
But alcohol is the question. Yes is the answer.


My computer said I had to change my password, so I entered “beefstew”.
My computer said, “Sorry, password not stroganoff.”


What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.


Google: We really value your privacy.
Twitter: We’d never collect anything.
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device.
Facebook: Gives you an ad for something you dreamt about.


I negotiated my salary for the first time ever.
I didn't really want to work there anyway.


I was really surprised when my friend said I was nosey.
Because they never mentioned that in their diary.