4064 - Saturday jokes

My carbon monoxide detector keeps beeping.
It's really giving me a headache.


I recently got a tattoo of the numbers 1 through 9 on my back.
That way if you have my back you can always count on me.


What makes a good tongue-twister?
Well, it's hard to say.


Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.


There's only two things I hate in this world.
Accidentally pressing "submit" when making a post and


An elderly couple next to me are talking to each other at a restaurant. As they are talking, the man keeps calling his wife the sweetest names like Honey, Deer, Sweetie ect ect ect. When his wife excused herself to use the bathroom, I leaned over and said "I love how you talk to your wife. You call her the nicest things. It appears you two have been married for quite some time. How do you keep the spark going?" He replies "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm too afraid to ask her what it is".


I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.
But she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”


6:30 is the best time on the clock.
Hands down.


I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in.
Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.


A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?
"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.
"Because they had eggs" says the husband.


I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.