4078 - Saturday jokes

I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.
I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up.
If anything it made it more sluggish.


I still remember the day my sister found out our neighbor's python isn't venomous.
She was crushed.


What’s the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?
One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.


Did you hear about the Italian man who died? He pasta way.
Now he's a pizza history.


Don’t ever give up on your dreams.
Keep sleeping.


My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months.
They decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shouted, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”


Hear about the guy with five dicks?
His underwear fit like a glove.


During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My old thermometer just broke."