4085 - Saturday jokes

When I was younger my mom used to tell me, "The sky is the limit."
But that really upset me because I wanted to be an astronaut.


A young boy is bathing with his mother.
Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”
Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”
The boy says, “The babysitters got one too, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”


A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.


I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions.
Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"


Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero. I donate five, and get arrested?


Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.


What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t make an enzyme.
...
But in Egypt you can make a pheromone.


I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife.
But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.


A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation.
"The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.
"I did", replied the husband, "I found no hostiles".

A man goes to the doctor for a prostate check.
The doctor is examining him when he discovers bank notes in the man's rectum.
He pulls them out and counts them.
He says to the patient, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just found $1950 up your ass."
"Ah, that makes sense," the patient says, "I thought I wasn't feeling too grand."