4092 - Saturday jokes

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."
"But everyone pees in the pool!"
"Yes, but not from the diving board."


After weeks of abuse from my parents I finally decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a fat bitch, and told me to fuck off.


What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all devices and stores your data.
The other one is an industry standard.


Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.


James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond," replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye."


I went to a museum exhibit on feces, but the lighting was awful.
I couldn't see shit.


John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."
James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"
John: "Since yesterday."


A friend of mine died recently after drinking a bottle of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.


"When one door closes another door opens" he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."