4106 - Saturday jokes

What’s the difference between a baptist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.


A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


What did the sewer maintenance guy say after his light went out?
"I can't see shit!"


Sex is like a gas station...
Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.


A Scotsman and his wife were walking past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's absolutely incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot he thought, "what the hell, I'll treat her!"
So they walked past it again.


My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.


I got expelled from mime school.
It must have been something I said.


I have to ask myself, is my wife unsatisfied?
A tiny part of me says yes.


I work in a restaurant that only serves cannibals.
I'm the head chef.


My dad hanged himself recently. We decided to set up a committee in his honour.
However, we thought it would be inappropriate to have a chair.


Pulled up to a girl today and said, "Hey you, get outta my dreams, get into my car!" She ran away screaming. Some people just have no appreciation for 80's music.?