4120 - Saturday jokes

They just released Stephen Hawking's last words.
"1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device".


I killed a dentist with an axe but only got charged with manslaughter.
My lawyer said it was an axe-in-dental death.


Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shaved off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.
I took a tern for the wurst.


Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path when one nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."


Dad: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Son: “Sculpter, artist or window cleaner”.
Dad: “But which of the three do you want to be the most?”
Son: “I don’t care as long as I get to see naked women”.


A washbasin is trying to enter your house.
Let that sink in!


The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people's expenses.


My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.