4162 - Saturday jokes

Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking!
Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.


We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.
They're driving wrecklessly.


Why do you always invite at least two Mormons to go fishing?
If you invite only one, you’ll have to share your beer.


Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.


I couldn't find the thingy you use to peel the carrots and potatoes anywhere, so I asked the kids if they had seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday.


How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?
Assmosis.


Have you ever gotten that urge to eat something just because it’s there?
Well, anyways, I lost my job at the gynecologist today.


I was just on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?


Why are hookers always haggling?
They’re trying to get the most buck for their bang.


Confucius once said...
Man who loses key to girlfriends flat gets no new-key.


What's the difference between a tie and a cow tail?
The cow tail covers up the whole asshole.


My Homing Pigeon is turning out to be very popular on Ebay
I've sold it 16 times already!


I was going to post a time traveling joke.
But you guys didn't like it.


If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals left and right.


The madam tell her girls, 'Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'
'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'.
Later when they're walking home the first guy says, 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'.
The second guy says 'I think mine was a witch'.
First guy: 'really whys that?'
Second guy: 'cause when I bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'.