4176 - Saturday jokes

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle.
I rode on, ruthlessly.


A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple of hours go by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."?


I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek
But I had to take a year off to find myself.


My dad always said, "No news is good news"
Great guy, awful journalist.


What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.


Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.
The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.
"My son is 6'2", has broad shoulders, is terribly handsome, and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."


A robber broke into my house the other day looking for money.
So I woke up and looked with him.


Try not to laugh when you spell attic out loud.