4195 - Saturday jokes

Why did Bilbo die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.


The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp.
People were too confused about which side to spit on.


Who is the 45th president of the United States?
The answer is a no-brainer!


Mosquitoes are like dirty used needles that can fly.


If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.


The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphors are incomprehensible...
I'm sad as a coconut.


Three Russians are sitting together on the train that takes them to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."


Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."
Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."


What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy Dead People


Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?
Me: No.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?
Me: No, but I'm sure it’s a lot less than the penalty for murder.


What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
One is an elephant.


I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand, it was nice that he visited me at work.