4226 - Saturday jokes

I saw two guys wearing the exact same clothes. I asked them if they were gay.  I got arrested.


What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says, "Things can't get any worse".
And optimist says, "Sure they can!"


What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?
Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!"
A Scottish shepherd says, "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"


A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails. The shopkeeper walks up to him and asks, “How long do you want them?” The man responds, “I wanna keep em”.


Had sex with my girlfriend a few days ago.
She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt.
I guess I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.


Forestry.
Now there's a shady business.


:) Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?
Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.


You had sex with my sister!!
Well, she was lying there naked in my office.
What was I supposed to do?
The autopsy you sick bastard!!


A little boy asks his dad, "Where does poo come from?"
His father is taken aback by the question but decides to tell the son the truth.
"Well, son," he says, "food passes down the esophagus, enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction. Then it passes through the alimentary canal before waste enters the colon, and then it finally emerges as poo."
"Wow," says the boy. "So where does Tigger come from?"