4233 - Saturday jokes

**** I'm running low on jokes. I did manage to find a few for today. Some of them I think are repeats. But you may have forgotten them, so here's a refresher. ****



My son is three years old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.


Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed, that night husband says, "Washing machine." Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a headache." Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." Husband replies, "Too late, it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."


Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.


Communism is bound to fail.
There are a lot of red flags.


My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.


What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?
Church.


Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Arlene: What the hell is that?
Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet.
Arlene: Where'd you get that at?
Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road!
The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers.
Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!"


A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"


Cop, "Who’s car is this? What do you do for a living? Where are you going?"
Miner, "Mine."


"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."