4282 - Saturday jokes

Santa gave me coal one Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.


You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.
It must have been unbiblical.


I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.


So I walked into the doctor’s office
He said: “What your sign?”
I said: “Capricorn”
And he said: “Not anymore, your cancer”.


I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right.
On the right side, there is nothing left.


Me: "Do you shower after having sex?"
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do."
Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."


In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).
(For people that need help with this, it's the song.)


My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said, "whatever floats your boat mate".
He said, "No, that's buoyancy".


Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But, smoking bacon will cure.


According to this box of Mac and Cheese,
I'm a family of 4


They say not having sex is the best form of birth control.
Well, I've tried it and my wife still had a baby.


Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.
Would that make him Orange Julius?