4324 - Saturday jokes

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I quit because it was just one ting after another.


What do a calendar and a non-vaxxed kid have in common?
Their days are numbered.


I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer.


My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I hate and then burn them.
I don’t know what to do with all these letters now.


What do you need for a movie about broken bones?
An awesome cast.


Last year I entered a marathon.
The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?" as I dropped out.


I went to get a vasectomy because I didn't want children.
But when I got home, they were still there.


My milk expires next Thursday.
That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.


I think 6:30 is the best time.
Hands down.


My grandfather was great at Russian roulette.
He only lost once.


What do you call a bee that was born in the United States?
A USB.


If you’re ever feeling useless,
remember the “ueue” in “queue”.


What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?
A cycle path.

A Rolling Stones biopic had to be canceled due to casting problems.
Producers couldn't find anyone without sin to cast the first Stone.


Every year, Murray entered the state lottery hoping to win. He never did.
One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Liz's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign. He lost Again. The winning number was 707.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.