4359 - Saturday jokes

“How many digits of pi do you know?”
“All of them... I just always forget the order!”


I don't understand why people are celebrating Pi day.
It's irrational.
(Jokes about Pi just never end.)


What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied.
Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted.
“And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”


Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.


The police just pulled me over.
He came to my window and said “Papers?” I said, “ scissors, I win” and drove off. I think he wants a rematch because he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.


As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.
Just wanted to make that clear.


All of my classes make me numb.
But math class makes me number.


Two old guys are sitting in a park and talking...
The first guy says: "You know, I went to a brothel the other day".
"Oh yeah? And what happened?"
"I banged for two hours!"
"Two hours?! At your age?!"
"Yeah, and they still wouldn't let me in".


Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.


A husband and wife were arguing all day.
They pass a herd of jackasses. He says: "Relatives of yours?"
She says: "Yep, in-laws."


At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.
I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.


A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.
"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."
"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"
"No. The one next to it."


I hate those people who knock on my door and tell me I need to be "saved" or I'll "burn".
Stupid firemen.


If my name was Victor, I’d become a historian.
Because history is written by the victors.


"Wanna hear a joke from someone with short term memory loss?"
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, what?”
“The joke.”
“What joke?”


A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint. The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now. You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys. You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says, "You must really love your wife."
"Yes, I do. And she's going to be home in 20 minutes."


What do you call a 12 Step program for people who talk too much?
On and On Anon.


Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, ”If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”
That was the punchline.