4366 - Saturday jokes

She danced like nobody was watching.
But people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her.


I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me.


I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.


I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat.
When someone tried to take the candy from my hat I told them, "My hat my candy".


Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”
Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”


I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.


"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?"
A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time...". A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...".


I have a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that I can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.


A doctor says, "The good news is your problem is all in your head."
"The bad news is its brain cancer."


How do fortune tellers greet each other?
"You’re good, how am I?"


A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"


I'm starting my new job at the guillotine factory today.
I'll beheading there shortly.


(You need a participant for this joke.)
This joke has three parts.
A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says, “I’m the one driving not you”.
The second part is, the woman is cooking food for herself and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in it. She slaps him and says, “I’m the one cooking not you”.
The fourth part is...
Person you're telling the joke to should say, "What about the third part?"
SLAP!
"I’m the one telling the joke, not you."


What do you call a hen looking at lettuce?
Chicken sees her salad.