4373 - Saturday jokes

Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: “In silence.”


Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said “I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.”


Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?” “No your Highness,” he replied, “but my father was.”


How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.


My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."


I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.


I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbor I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"
The ignorant bastard just ignored me.


I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 23.
Other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.


There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.
Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.


A man walks into a saloon. He takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?"
"They call me Hat-Bill."
Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?"
"They call me Gun-Bill."
A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?"
"They call me Chernobyl."


I was walking down the street with my wife.
And there down an alley, we saw five men beating up my mother-in-law.
My wife screamed: "Aren't you going to help?!"
I said: "No, five seems like enough."


What's the best part about getting an anti-vaxxer pregnant?
Only eight years of child support.


What do you call a female pop star with big nipples?
Areola Grande.


What type of people never get angry?
The nomads.


What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you, get offa of my cloud". While a Scotsman says, "Hey MacLeod, get offa my ewe!"


Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.