4380 - Saturday jokes

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat.
What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
(It's not MY cake day. But it's somebodies.)


Pros and cons of dating me.
pros: dating
cons: me


I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing me down.
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it.


Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!”
Silence followed..... complete silence...
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"


My wife said to me she doesn't understand cloning.
I said it makes 2 of us.


What do you call it when an anti-vaxxer has a nervous breakdown?
Polio.


I will always remember my grandpa’s last words.
"Stop shaking the ladder you asshole!"


What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?
"It was good, but I wish it had been a little meteor."


I'm virgin by choice ... of every girl I've met.


If a Cuban man marries a woman from Iceland and they have children,
can the children be considered ice cubes?


The old lady asked me, "How are cats like empty wine bottles?"
I said, "I don't know."
She said, "I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both."


Some people say I have a Messiah complex.
But I forgive them, for they know not what they do.


My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.
So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...
so that he could teach himself CPR.


What‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?
Nyetflix.


People in Afghanistan aren't allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly-ban


A man walks into a bar sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."


When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.


I predict, in years to come, there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East.
It will leave only one country and the Persian Gulf.
Just Kuwait and sea.


My dad always taught me to fight fire with fire.
Which is probably why he lost his job as a firefighter.


Did you hear that everyone at the US Mint went on strike?
They wanted to make less money.


What happens when the pope dies?
Another popes up!