4394 - Saturday jokes

In honor of 420, here's a weed joke.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"


Patient: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Patient: (screams) ARGHHH!
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Patient: AARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!


Why did Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.


I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her $100 because I had just found $1600 in the parking lot.
You know, pay it forward.


Why do white people own so many pets?
Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.


What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.


I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.
It was a brief case.

Cops are still trying to figure out if it was an open or shut case.

Someone stole the toilet from the local precinct. The cops have nothing to go on.

Where the toilet had been there is now just a big hole in the ground. The police are looking into it.

It apparently goes deeper than expected. The police are still trying to get to the bottom of it.


During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.
The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”


I'm the best man at my buddy's second wedding.
Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with, "Welcome back everyone".


I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there's no money in there.


Today, 10 women asked me out.
I was in a women's bathroom.


What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
Reintarnation.


A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbor’s house.
"Howdy neighbor", he says. "In honor of you movin' into the holler, I'm gonna throw a party. There's gonna be a whole lot of drinkin', a whole lot of dancin' and a whole lot of screwin'."
"Sounds like fun", the neighbor says, "what can I bring?"
Hillbilly replies, "You can bring anything you want; just gonna be you and me."


If you rearrange the letters of 'postmen'.
They become very angry.


Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."
Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."


On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.
“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”
“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”
“Inflation nothing!” the grandmother answered. “It’s all these darn security cameras they’ve got today!”


For a while, Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.


We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom.
In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.


A woman tries to cut off her husbands' penis but missed and stabbed him in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.