4401 - Saturday jokes

My most favorite color is purple.
I love it more than red and blue combined.


Most orchestras are just 1800's cover bands


A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.
So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd race and again wins $770!
He keeps doing this for each race, and finally, on the last race, he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!
The crowds are all around him watching this race, because at 8:1 odds he can win $15,532,402!
They're off! Everybody is cheering an urging on the horse, who seems to slide back a bit, and comes in last!
The man goes home and his friend asks him how'd he do at the truck. He answers, "I lost $2."


My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.


My wife just left me. She thinks I’m too paranoid.
False alarm, she was just getting the mail.


I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."


Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm it would be justwater.


A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.
“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”
“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”
The pastor consoled his wife with a hand on her shoulder. “In those moments, my love, you’ve got to yell out loud, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’” (Mattew 16:23)
“I did that,” the wife explained, “and he said, ‘The dress even looks good from back here.’”


If someone said, "I'll give you $1000 because 'you're ugly', would you take the money?"
Of course I would. I'm ugly, not stupid.


Everyone's heard of Schrodinger's cat, but have you heard of Doppler's cat?
mmmmmeeeeEEEEEOOOOWWWwwwww


Guy goes to the doctors with a head of lettuce stuck up his butt.
Doctor examining said, "wow". Guy says, "What is it doc?"
Doctor says, "This is only the tip of the iceberg."


How does Jesus stay in shape?
Crossfit.
(Nailed it.)


What do you call a German Shepard on a Uboat?
A subwoofer.


A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.
“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”
She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.
“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.
“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”


The recipe said, "Put the stew in the oven at 180 degrees".
So I did. Now it's all over the bottom of the oven.

Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding in the backseat through a mountain underpass.
Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.