4415 - Saturday jokes

A couple drove their car to the store, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love.
I'm not a fan.


I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today.
That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea.


My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000 in merchandise.
The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.


A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant.
Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.


I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night.
The bill was huge!


While on vacation in Spain with my wife I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.
It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.
The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.
I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”


Dad giving advice to his son, "If you're hiking and a 9-foot grizzly rears up, you just reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."
Son, "Where do you get the shit from?"
"Trust me, it'll be there."


An angry wife says to her husband, "I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"
The husband replies, "You would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this state".


So, I asked out a really fine chic who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth!”
“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”


An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?"


I need help: every time I approach a cute girl on the street, I uncontrollably start to cry.
Does anyone know how to cope with pepper spray?


I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.
Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.