4422 - Saturday jokes

A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.


I'm never going to Lou's construction again, they aren't responsible with their materials.
Lou's crews lose loose screws.


A shepherd proclaims his affection for a uniquely colored sheep, then for the whole flock.
I love you, olive ewe. I love you, all of you!


A man and his friend Gus had dinner while an idiot who worked for a dent removal company dented a car.
A Dings R Us dingus dinged us as we dined, Gus.


Daniel Day-Lewis goes on the road with his one-man show about a speedfreak.
Method actor's meth-head act tours.


A driving teacher asks his student, "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"
Student: "My wife".
DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"


Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.


JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?
MARIO: ...
JUDGE: It’s a fine.
MARIO: No, itsa not.


(Math joke)
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.


I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.


"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.
"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.
"What do you mean?" barked the customer.
"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."


I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.
They told me she's imaginary, but the joke's on them, so are they.


I have a horse named Mayo.
Sometimes mayo neighs.


There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth actually.
May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name and stayed May Elizabeth.
This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds herself a man, and she marries. They too have a little girl, also named May. May Elizabeth III.
May Elizabeth III found herself a husband, and they married. She wanted to keep her maiden name, but her spouse wasn’t too fond of it. May Elizabeth III pleaded, saying that he will understand in a few years. He finally agreed, and she stays May Elizabeth III.
They had a child, and again named May. May Elizabeth IV. 16 years into the future, and it’s prom night. A nice young man shows up at the door, ultimately asking May Elizabeth IV to prom. He asks her parents if he has permission to take their daughter to prom.
The father says: “May the fourth be with you”.