4436 - Saturday Jokes

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.


We'll We'll We'll.
If it isn't autocorrect.


To whoever invented autocorrect, there's a special place in hello for you.



First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now, "LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION!"



When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.
They dilate.


I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.


My son was mad at me today, and said, "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.
My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


This whole time Yoda has never revealed his last name. But I just found out.
Layheehoooo.


What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickedalotapus.


What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic.


Two guys were working at the airport when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...
He asked again, in German. Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."
"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.
"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."


A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.
"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"
The man gets worried and starts asking the nurse what's happening.
The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. Those are just contractions."


Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.
It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.


Why did the unvaccinated 2 year old cry?
He was having a midlife crisis.


Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Customer: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.


I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.


If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?


Asparagus sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.


What's the difference between cannibal children and regular children?
Cannibal children can play with their food.


I went to the Air and Space Museum. It was just a big empty room.


If anyone wants to come and help me figure out why my stuff keeps getting stolen, my door is always open.