4443 - Saturday jokes

A man and a woman were traveling on a train.
Woman, "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place."
Man, "Awwww! Are you single?"
Woman, "No, I'm a dentist."


I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.


Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.


My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple.
Apparently, they have a patent on expensive stuff for assholes.
( I know I know, some of you use Apple. It's still funny.)


Apple really is the most futuristic company out there.
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!


A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.
Guy says to the bartender, “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” The bartender says, “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says, “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. The bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say, “now can I have the WiFi password?” The bartender nods and says, “you have to buy a drink first, all lower case and no spaces”.


An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando.
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
"It's all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss. The old man was completely astounded and asked what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied.
The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he stammered, "You - you're kidding me, you mean it can whistle, too?"


I started a business selling landmines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof!


Why is working at a pork sausage factory the worst job?
Because every day is Ground Hog day.
(Hey, I'm hard up for jokes today.)


As a child, my priest traumatized me.
He cheated on me with another altar boy.


(I think I remember this from scout camp.)
A bartender is working one evening when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
"Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig and then smashes the bottle over his own head.
"Can I... can I get you another?" asks the bartender.
The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"


Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in.
It’s currently half empty...


A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam.
She passed.


My bald friend still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.


I got to meet all my fans last night.
It was pretty cool.


You can tell a jihadist about the 72 virgins, but ultimately...
He has to C4 himself.


Mechanics might disagree, but eye drops are technically blinker fluid.


Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.
You wait in line, then die.