4450 - Saturday jokes

When is the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.


I ate a clock yesterday.
It was very time consuming.


God is always listening...
and Google, Facebook, NSA, FBI, and the CIA.


A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently, they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton-eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?


So a doctor has sex with one of his patients and is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying, "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says, "Come on man! You're a vet!!"


I like my women like I like my cocaine. White, skinny, and kept in line with a credit card.


I'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam.
After all, you should always XL.


What do a silver medalist and priest have in common?
They both come in a little behind.


What's the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.


If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells,
does that make them shotgun snails?


You: Bastard
Me: You just did.
You: I’m not going to do that.
Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards.


Did you hear about the study between the FDA and an independent group of scientists on the use of marijuana to treat arthritis?
It was a joint joint joint study.


My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and I are all police. My grandad, unfortunately, is an armed robber and he died yesterday, surrounded by his family.


I just went to Japan and didn't see a single ninja there.
Impressive!


As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens!