4457 - Saturday jokes

An old lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know'" said the lady, "I need both hands to hold on to this hat.
But, madam, you are not wearing anything under your dress, and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


Her: Honey, what's wrong?
Him: Fire trucks are actually water trucks.


I sat next to a baby on a ten-hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.


I told my 4 year old it's perfectly normal to poop in your pants once in a while, but he still laughed at me.


A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."


The three phases of sex:
- Tri-weekly.
- Try weekly.
- Try weakly.


Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.


I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.


What did Jesus say after he was resurrected?
"You crossed the wrong guy."


How does gold get your attention?
"Ay You!"


"Dad, am I adopted?"
"No. Why the hell would I pick you?"


What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.


I have a friend who's half black & half native American.
His name is 'Sitting In Jail'.


A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It came off the wall and fell on her head.”


I'm going to name my next dog Peeve.
That way I can tell people it's my pet, Peeve.


Did you know that the Soviet Union doesn't have any coal mines?
I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours.
(mine/ours)(capitalism/communism)(Yeah, I know...)


You shouldn't play hard to get...
if you're hard to want.


I only become friends with narcissists
That way when I'm not around, I know they're not talking about me.


Old guy goes to see his doctor.
He’s a little hard of hearing so brings along his wife to help hear for him.
The nurse says, "OK Mr. Jones, I’m gonna need a urine sample and a stool sample."
The old guy turns to his wife and asks, "What did she say?"
"She needs your underwear, darling."


Who is the most famous donkey in history?
Donkey-ottie.


I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my Achilles' elbow.


The researchers estimated the probability of time reversal happening to a real-world electron due to random fluctuations. If we were to observe 10 billion “freshly localized” electrons every second over the entire lifetime of the universe (13.7 billion years), we would only see it happen once. And it would merely take the quantum state back one 10-billionth of a second into the past, roughly the time it takes between a traffic light turning green and the person behind you honking.


If you're happy and you know it, over think.
If you're happy and you know it, over think.
If you're happy and you know it,
Give your brain a chance to blow it.
If you're happy and you know it, over think.


“How many fingers now?” Asked the doctor.
Patient: “You know, this is not how I envisioned a prostate exam.”