4464 - Saturday jokes

A couple wants to have sex but their 8-year-old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him an ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out.
“Mailman stopped by”, Timmy says.
“The Andersons are getting new furniture”, he calls out.
“Jacob got a new bike.”
“Oh look, Kevin’s parents are having sex,” Timmy says.
The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “How do you know they’re having sex?”
Timmy replies, “He’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”


Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight.
Sigh


At an interview, they asked where I saw myself in five years
I said, "Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”


A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep, he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes, the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine.
So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"


Sadly I think my family is a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.


What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2.


I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.


Peeing yourself in public is like being in love.
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.


Doing a good job at work is like peeing yourself while wearing dark pants.
It gives you a warm feeling but nobody notices.


What's the difference between a musician and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.


A guy goes up to a prostitute and asks, "How much?" She replies "$100." The man shakes his head and counters, "How about $25?" She shakes her head no and the man walks away.
The next day the man is walking down the same street with his wife when he passes by the same prostitute. She hollers at him, "See what you'll get for $25!"


What question has never been asked to a vegan?
"Are you a vegan?"


A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.


You ever notice “adult toys” only ever refers to things you use for sex.
It never refers to a giant race car or a big nerf gun.


Why do you always invite two Mormons fishing?
Because if you invite one they'll drink all your beer.


A man was coughing all day long and decided to go and see a doctor.
So the man goes to the doctor and explains the problem.
The doctor accidentally gave him laxative instead of coughing syrup but the man already left.
So a couple days later the man comes back for a check-up and the doctor asks, "So, are you still coughing?"
The man replies, "No, I'm afraid to".


A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, She’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”